Hansel and Gretel Get Kidnapped
by Mistaken John
Summary: A rather warped version of the traditional fairy tale.


Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl named Hansel and Gretel. They were good kids despite the fact that they were brats. They lived in a cottage out in the woods with their father, Johann. He was a good man and had been a union carpenter all of his life. His wife, Greta, passed away when Hansel and Gretel were little, and Johann vowed that he would never remarry. That's when, Theresa, the stereotypical wicked stepmother, entered the equation.

Theresa was what they called a gold digger. In layperson's terms, that means that she married for money, preying upon unsuspecting men with the charm of a goddess, then turning on them like a black widow. Needless to say, the bitch had a reputation.

Johann had been saving up his money all of his life so that Hansel and Gretel could attend the University of Heidelberg (poor Johann did not know that the school never accepted women back in the day. Bastards.) To make a long story even more complicated, Johann buried all of his money in the backyard. He did not trust banks and neither should you.

Anyway, when Johann first met Theresa at the supermarket in down town Cologne, he was enthralled. She was not a beautiful woman by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she was butt ugly. Furthermore, the fact that she weighed nearly three hundred pounds did not faze Johann. He merely figured that a "whole lotta Rosie" would keep him warm in bed. (Apologies to AC/DC.)

Johann and Theresa hastily married and Johann could not wait to introduce her to the kids. The minute she walked in the door, it was hate at first sight. Hansel and Gretel did not like her and she certainly did not like them. They were not fooled a minute by her "Oh, come give your Mama a hug,-you –adorable- little -darlings" line. The children, however, were even better actors than the old battle axe and they quickly threw their arms around her. Afterwards, they exchanged looks that said: "We need to 86 this crone." Theresa also brought with her an annoying, yappy little dog named Esel. We'll hear more about him later. Or less.

Theresa began plotting as to how she would get rid of the children, and it did not take very long for a plan to formulate in her devious mind. Next morning, she cooked up a plate of the children's favorite breakfast (Johann had told her all about the kids and what they loved) This suited Theresa, who, despite her many faults, could whip up a mean dish of Bratwurst and potato pancakes. Her meals were to die for-literally.

Hansel was ready to give in and taste it, but Gretel laid her hand on his shoulder. Esel, meanwhile, sitting up begging and yapping, was only a foot away from the table. Gretel flipped him a piece of Bratwurst which he hastily devoured. It took exactly thirty seconds for the mutt to keel over.

"Oh, oh my darling Esel! Who did this to you, my darling poochie?" Yep. First class drama queen. She then glared at Hansel and Gretel, but then quickly reverted to her loving mother act. False tears flowed down her ugly face.

"Please, children!" Theresa pleaded. "Help your poor Mama give her darling Esel a decent burial."

"Yes, Mama," the children chimed in unison. They were prepared to give Esel a total burial ceremony in the backyard, complete with a Bible reading and taps. (Hansel was quite proficient on the trumpet. He was also a die-hard Satchmo fan.)

But moving right along, Hansel began digging the grave and the shovel hit a wooden chest. The children, dying from curiosity, opened it. Theresa stood nearby, equally inquisitive. Lo and behold, the chest contained a fortune, at least 100,000 marks, as well as golden earrings, silver platters and lots of rubies and diamonds to boot.

Mein Gott!" Declared Theresa, already scheming. "Close the chest and leave it where you found it, my dear ones! You must run and tell Papa immediately!"

Just to get you up to speed: Johann was in the deep forest chopping wood. (He was in pretty good shape for an old geezer.) My, he thought, I have two beautiful children and a lovely new wife! What better way to live out one's retirement!(he was still receiving a pension from the Carpenters United Guild and from Wunderbar INC, the company that he had worked for 40 years. He would cash the checks every month and lay them in the treasure chest along with his assorted collection of gems and such) Hansel and Gretel his wonderful "late-in-life" surprises, would be well provided for, because he was the only one that knew the location of the treasure; or so he thought.

But even riches did not console poor Johann, who still grieved for Greta, his first wife, who cashed in her one way ticket to Himmel when the kids were still toddlers .He sighed and placed the wood in a wheelbarrow and stopped by the cemetery that was only a mile from his home. He looked at her grave.

"I have not forgotten you, Greta -but I am an old man who never learned to cook or keep house very well. Forgive me for remarrying, but I need a new companion. I will always love you…"

That's when a hoot owl hooted and scared the living shit out of Johann. (Normally, owls are night owls, but this one had had a rough night out with the boys. He was still hung over and a bit crotchety.)

Meanwhile, the wicked stepmother said to Hansel and Gretel: "Go out to the woods and find your father as fast as you can! I will prepare another wonderful meal for you when you return."

Hansel and Gretel complied, wary though they were. When the children faded out of view, Theresa grabbed the treasure chest and set it on the kitchen table. She reached inside the cupboard and took out her weapon. She loaded the Glock, and a wicked grin appeared on her horrendous excuse for a face.

"You all are toast, bitches."

Meanwhile, Hansel and Gretel, who knew that this whole thing was a ploy by Theresa to get rid of them and their father, concocted a plan of their own. They had a loaf of bread that Theresa had given them. Gretel look at Hansel knowingly.

"Don't eat the bread. Tear crumbs from your loaf and when we return, we can follow the trail of crumbs back to the cottage."

Hansel smiled and said: "Ja! That is a good plan!"

And it would have been a good plan except that a flock of birds descended upon the crumbs and proceeded to eat them. Unfortunately for the birds, the bread had been dunked in strychnine. So here's a spoiler-there won't be a trail of crumbs on the way back, but there will be a hell of a lot of dead birds. Hey, whatever works.

Now here's where it gets interesting-deep in the deepest, darkest part of the forest, there stood a little gingerbread house, complete with candy canes, marshmallows, mousse, meringue topping, whipped cream and a bunch of other tasty crap. When Hansel and Gretel saw it, they immediately approached and proceeded to devour the west wall.

They threw away the bread and started stuffing their backpacks with Lifesavers, Snickers, and Pop Tarts. What they didn't know was that they were being videotaped by an urban legend, Willa the witch. The very idea of these kids munching at her house pissed her off and rightly so. She had given Warner Brothers exclusive rights to her life story and she was being sponsored by the top twenty candy companies-and she also had a two million mark homeowner's policy with Lloyd's of London. That eased some of the pain.

However, there was no way she was going to let these vandals off the hook that easily. You see, Willa was only 33 complete with long blonde hair, nice melons and a mega-hot caboose. An additional advantage that Willa possessed was the fact that she had been a former actress. This gave her access to an unlimited wardrobe. (At the tender age of 19, she was passed over for the role of the Wicked Witch of the West. She also came about this close to wasting Judy Garland…and her little dog too. Thankfully, she took the high road and got over it. She was, after all, a professional. In your face, Selznick.)

"I hate this!" Willa said raggedly "I promised myself that once, just this once, I wouldn't be a bitch. But noooo! You little yard apes had to screw everything up. I'll teach you a lesson that you won't soon forget, but first..."

She whipped out her overly-priced Verizon cell and dialed the Deutsch answerto 911 and then she did her witch thing.

"Aha!" Willa said screamingly, and the two kids jumped about three feet off the ground. "Fi-fie-fo –fum and all that shit! You brats are busted!"

"Ach !" The children said in unison, and rather pitchy, I might add. And needless to say, they totally forgot to mention Augustine. "We didn't mean anything by it!"

After being frisked and cuffed by the cops, Willa the Witch forgave them and they were released in her custody. "Now-tell me why you're here," Willa said in a low deliberate tone. "And it had better be good."

Hansel and Gretel proceeded to tell her all about their Papa Johann, the wicked stepmother, the bratwurst and potato pancakes, the bread, the dead dog, the dead birds, the treasure chest and stuff. And they went on. And on. And on…for forty-five minutes.

"All right, all right! I get it!" Willa waved her arms frantically. "Shut up already! Now listen... This is what we are going to do…"

Next day, Gretel came home crying, and Papa Johann embraced her.

"What is wrong, my little Puchnik (pooch nick) I honestly don't know where Johann came up with that. Probably picked it up from some fucking Russian.) "Tell Papa all about it!" And she did.

Meanwhile, a rather livid Theresa was about to say "Curses, foiled again!" She was really upset because Gretel came back. She knew now what she had to do. The Glock was in between her huge mountains, concealed by a heavy woolen sweater.

But when she saw Papa break down and cry. Theresa went from bitch to the lovable wife and Mama in 3.2 seconds. "It will be all right, Poppy-poo!"

"Look, Mama! " Johann showed Theresa the note. "Somebody stole my little boy! Whatever shall I do?"

"Vas?" Theresa perused the note, which read. "If you want to see Hansel again, send 250,000 marks in unmarked marks... "No, Johann." Theresa said spitefully, "We are not going to pay it."

"What? But why Mama!" Johann pleaded with her, "We must get Hansel back!"

"No, Papa. We do not give in to terrorists." Yes. Theresa was one of _those_.

"You evil, no-good cunt!" Gretel looked Theresa right in the eye. "You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

Theresa hauled off and gave Gretel a hard slap. And Johann snapped.

"How dare you hit my baby girl?" With that, Johann gave Theresa a right cross and she almost fell over. Gretel jumped up and down clapping her hands. "Go, Papa, go!"

But Theresa was only momentarily dazed. She punched Johann hard and he went flying across the room. Gretel picked up a chair and smashed it over Theresa's head, and the mean stepmother chased Gretel out of the door; and, just like in the movies, a platoon of cops pulled up outside the house. Theresa, oblivious to the presence of the local gendarme, was still chasing Gretel, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Come back here, you little Schwein!"

Twenty cops took Theresa to the ground, slapped the cuffs on her wrists, and held her there. Hansel, Gretel and Papa did the gang hug thing, and Willa, still dressed up like a witch, cackled heartily. Hansel and Gretel left Papa's arms and embraced Willa.

"I don't care if you're an ugly witch!" The children exclaimed in harmony, this time not so pitchy "We love you!"

Willa laughed, gently pushed the kids away, and removed her wig .Next; she removed her cloak. That's when the children's eyes bulged out. Lo and behold, a beautiful woman stood before them.

"Mein Got!" Hansel said with a whistle, "You are hot!"

Willa gave Hansel a smack on the head. "Mind your manners, you little punk."

The police dragged Theresa away, as she screamed and carried on. She insisted that her children had been kidnapped and that she had been set up. Johann, Hansel, Gretel and Willa all laughed. Gretel held up the ransom note and said:

"Here's is the evidence!" With that, she tore the small piece of paper to shreds.

Meanwhile, Theresa, now being forced into the back of the paddy wagon, yelled at the top of her lungs: "I could have gotten away with this if it hadn't been for you pesky kids!"

"Shut up!" The biggest cop said, "Or I'll slap you with a copyright violation!"

And this is so effin predictable. Johann married Willa, and she carried him across the threshold. Hansel and Gretel gleefully followed them in the door. Willa gingerly sat Johann on the living room couch.

"Come here, children," Willa laid the geld upon them and the children's eyes lit up. "Now get lost!"

Hansel and Gretel ran hurriedly ran to town where they were scammed by a con man. Yep. The same one who ripped off Jack. You guessed it. The old "magic bean" routine.

And Hansel, Gretel, Johann and Willa lived happily ever after, but not Theresa; because she got fifteen years.

The End.

"


End file.
